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Lainey J 
Newbie
Joined: 20/January/2009
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 102
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 Posted: 12/February/2009 at 11:40 |
 Hi Gerry, Great joke. Just what I needed before I have to get ready for work.
Keep 'em comin' Ha Ha  Lainey J.
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guya
Regular
Joined: 02/August/2007
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 69
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Posted: 12/February/2009 at 19:42 |
Call me sad, but just read my 5 year's old son a joke from his "Horrid Henry Joke Book" before putting him to bed and thought I'd share it. My wife has informed me it's old, but nevertheless-Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he had no body to go with! he he 
It's slightly better than -Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he gets ahole in one. Ok I'll stop!
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 10:03 |
Material Boys
An estate agent parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the estate agent grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the estate agent starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined, it'll simply never
be the same again!"
After the estate agent finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in : "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody estate agents are,"
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the estate agent.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The estate agent looks down in absolute horror..........
HELLS BELLS !!!!!! he screams - "Where's my Rolex ?"
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TonyB
Regular
Joined: 03/April/2007
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 30
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 12:29 |
The ASDA Greeter (priceless)
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent,
chav, minger, woman wearing a rangers top (insert any team you wish)
walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side)
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there.
Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'**** naw, they're nae twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the **** would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been ******* twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
Edited to remove obscenities; please bear in mind that we have a mixed membership on Albufeira.com
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3431
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 12:49 |
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love it
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TonyB
Regular
Joined: 03/April/2007
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 30
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 14:37 |
apologies admin  will edit more carefully next time
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gonnaenodaethat, am on vaykayshun
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 16:32 |
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Sagres
Senior Member
Joined: 16/November/2005
Status: Offline
Points: 556
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Posted: 13/February/2009 at 16:36 |
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 00:03 |
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Luv it Jayjan, just hope nobody has hurt themselves trying to view it?
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 00:12 |
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were up in court charged with playing
an illegal card game for money.
'I wasn't gambling in an illegal card game your honour,' said The Englishman to
The judge, 'I was just showing my friends a magic trick with The cards.'
'Case dismissed,' said The judge.
'I wasn't gambling at cards either your honour,' said The Scotsman, 'I was just
trying to calculate The odds of getting a full house.'
'Case dismissed also,' said The judge.
'Now,' he said to The Irishman, Were you playing an illegal card game?'
'Who with?' said The Irishman.
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 00:56 |
 Gerry luv the Irish humour.Re the upside down post i found it on another forum, but how the hell they did it is beyond me.Does anyone know????? maybe they are Ozzies
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 02:10 |
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I think I bought the same keyboard!!!
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 14:59 |
Found this rather amusing camera angle shot
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Sagres
Senior Member
Joined: 16/November/2005
Status: Offline
Points: 556
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 15:03 |
A Medronho drinker !!!! 
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 14/February/2009 at 18:53 |
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The Blondes Flat Tyre.
Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the Highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tyre, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"Now then madam, what's going on here?" said he.
"My car has a flat tyre," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" he asked.
I couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So I told Him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
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Avril wanted a joke!
