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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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Jayjan View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/April/2012 at 23:35
hahaha.

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/April/2012 at 23:39
rolling on the floorrolling on the floor

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/April/2012 at 23:42
Brilliant ,hahaha

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/April/2012 at 21:07
From twitter

A man walks into a bar. The bar falls to the ground and writhes around in agony. It was a Drog-bar.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20/April/2012 at 19:26
Only because its friday....

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"
Nunc bibendum est
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/April/2012 at 17:52
I walked past an abbo sitting on the ground  this arvo, and he said, "Any change  mate?"

I said "No, you're still black". 
                                _____________________________ 
 

I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.   
I only asked for a bomber jacket.   Touchy bastards. 
                                _____________________________ 
  
  

 I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. 
  
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to". 
                                _____________________________ 
  
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.  He hypnotized 7 blokes then 
dropped the microphone on his foot & said "F*ck me". 
  
What happened next will haunt me forever.......

 

 



http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/April/2012 at 17:55
http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/April/2012 at 00:12

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. 

I said Yes but what would I get in return.

She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought...That's Fair....Tit for Tat.

 -----------------------------------------------

 I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

 ------------------------------------------------------------

 After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. 

But strangely enough....once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. 

So I thought...Sod it....soldier on.

 ---------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus..."Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day"

She said "Don't get lippy"

I said "Mascara it is then!"

 --------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. 

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.....................Then I remembere Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

 -------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, 
a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, 
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.

The bouncer says "Sorry.. I can't let you in without aThai".

 ----------------------------------

Man shagging 30 stone woman.. He says "Can we have the light switched off?" 

She said "Why? Do you find me repulsive?"

He said " No....it's burning my ar
*e".

 -----------------------------------------------------------
 
You won't hear from me for a while mate.

 Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables........I gotta lilo.

 ------------------------------------------------------------

 News just in....There's a female ref for the United v City match. 

The  kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

 -----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. 

He's still wondering how to pick it up!

http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Avril View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/April/2012 at 09:26
eeeeh, those jokes have really cheered me up this morning, I was on a real downer, thanks alan x
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/April/2012 at 12:26
I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and **** myself.
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01/May/2012 at 12:10
Sure fire way to get out of jury duty say "yes I will be delighted to attend. What’s the black b#stard done anyway?!!!"
 
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered s-xual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).
 
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
 
Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though- She's crap at snooker.
 
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having s-x there and then. God, I love my new taser!
 
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
 
 
They say that s-x is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little b#stards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah life was tough in the gateau. 

He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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ant1969 View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/May/2012 at 15:59
The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!LOL
com amor e cumprimentos Donna x
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 08:26
Ann Summers outlets have introduced a new alcoholic gel to help encourage men to give oral sex to women.Anti drink campaigners have called for the gel to be withdrawn from sale amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 09:14

God bless the English language.................

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was searching for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and
we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 09:16
Good one!Smile
http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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