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tiganut 
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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 Posted: 01/March/2012 at 13:22 |
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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bob d
Top Contributors
Joined: 05/February/2008
Location: Northern Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 2122
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Posted: 01/March/2012 at 16:06 |
COPPER WIRE
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Irish Dept. of Mines reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Connemara in the Oughterad region
Pat O’Riordan, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Pat has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Irish!
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we're not brazil we're norn iron
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J2me
Senior Member
Joined: 18/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1582
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Posted: 01/March/2012 at 21:18 |
Nice one Bob. 
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 02/March/2012 at 13:04 |
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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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DICEYUK
Top Contributors
Joined: 05/April/2011
Location: Norfolk/Algarve
Status: Offline
Points: 3381
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Posted: 02/March/2012 at 13:39 |
Apologies if it's been posted before
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I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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DICEYUK
Top Contributors
Joined: 05/April/2011
Location: Norfolk/Algarve
Status: Offline
Points: 3381
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Posted: 03/March/2012 at 17:42 |
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A
man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house
to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the
bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen,
this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If
he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To
which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too!!
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I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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janet
Senior Member
Joined: 20/October/2007
Location: northern irelan
Status: Offline
Points: 591
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Posted: 09/March/2012 at 10:57 |
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...A teacher asks her class to use the word
'contagious'.
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got
The measles and my mum said it was contagious.'
...
'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher.
'Can anyone else try?'
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails,
Says, 'My grandma says there's a bug going round,
And it's contagious.'
'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad
Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with
A 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.
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owners direct p5473
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mrandyd
Regular
Joined: 04/November/2008
Location: Birmingham
Status: Offline
Points: 214
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Posted: 12/March/2012 at 17:09 |
What do you call an alligator in a vest ?
An investigator.
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janet
Senior Member
Joined: 20/October/2007
Location: northern irelan
Status: Offline
Points: 591
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Posted: 17/March/2012 at 14:48 |
» Say No To Drugs!
Two young men were picked up by the police for smoking dope
and appeared before the judge on Friday.
"You seem like nice young men," the judge said, "and rather than sentence you
to jail time, I would like to give you a second chance. This weekend, I want you
to go out and show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up
drugs forever. I will see you both back in court on Monday."
Monday morning they both returned to court. The judge asked the first young
man, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 23 people to give up drugs forever," he
replied.
"23 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" asked the judge.
"I used a diagram, your honor," he explained. "I drew two circles like this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs, and this (the
small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's very admirable," the judge said. "And you, young man, how did you
do?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 183 people to give up drugs forever," the
second young man replied.
"183 people! That's amazing!" the judge exclaimed. "How did you manage that?"
"I used a similar approach, sir," he explained. "I drew two circles like
this:
o O
I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ass###e before prison ...
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owners direct p5473
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janet
Senior Member
Joined: 20/October/2007
Location: northern irelan
Status: Offline
Points: 591
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Posted: 18/March/2012 at 18:34 |
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Paddy found out his wife was having an affair, so decided 2 kill her and himself..He puts the gun to his head, looks at wife and says "don't laugh your next"
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owners direct p5473
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 18/March/2012 at 19:02 |
 good one Janet
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 20/March/2012 at 19:14 |
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So I phoned the ticket hotline to book tickets for the latest Elvis tribute - the menu voice said "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."
I went out for a curry last night and had a Chicken Tarka Masala - it's like an ordinary curry but a little otter...
What do you call a teacher with no arms, no leg and no body? Ans: the Head
Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen
My racing snail hadn’t been performing well, so I decided to remove its shell.
I don’t think it worked though – if anything, it’s more sluggish...
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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janet
Senior Member
Joined: 20/October/2007
Location: northern irelan
Status: Offline
Points: 591
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Posted: 21/March/2012 at 12:25 |
< name="Generator" ="Microsoft Safe">
Irish Furniture Dealer
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant
seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so
he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After
a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she
nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a
small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which
he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed
and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business.
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owners direct p5473
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JKAT
Newbie
Joined: 06/August/2009
Location: Portugal
Status: Offline
Points: 214
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Posted: 21/March/2012 at 18:24 |
Subject: Fw: The best joke of the decade?
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside,.... when you said you......heard someone coming.....that was me....' |
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goblin
Newbie
Joined: 04/January/2012
Status: Offline
Points: 13
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Posted: 21/March/2012 at 23:11 |
For those of
you who sometimes struggle with technology, this is very funny.
Here's a video
clip for you, (needs no
translation, either!)
It's in German
but the words aren't necessary ...the dialogue is a young woman asking her
father if he is enjoying the iPad the family bought him...
http://wimp.com/dadipad
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Tweet
Avril wanted a joke!
) in his hand.