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Wireman 
Senior Member
Joined: 17/April/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1263
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 Posted: 03/February/2009 at 21:49 |
Sorry Avril,wires crossed  .
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Regular Visitor
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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Posted: 03/February/2009 at 22:01 |
Whey hey, no bother. Glad folks on here are still happy to post jokes. Some topics have had the dampers put on them. Funnily enough I didnt start this topic but I'm really glad folks take the time to stop by and have a bit of a laugh, coz without laughter life would be sad, Avril x
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 04/February/2009 at 22:56 |
A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'But they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Milly_Molly
Senior Member
Joined: 22/April/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 1140
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Posted: 06/February/2009 at 22:19 |
Apologies if this has already been posted (as it was sent to me by a fellow forum member.  )
Two newly weds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured.
"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...
"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3431
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Posted: 07/February/2009 at 19:37 |
A couple made a deal that whoever died
first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear
was that there was no afterlife.
After
a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made
contact:
"Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes,
I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the
morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I
bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around
the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course
again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh,
Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, ....
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3431
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Posted: 07/February/2009 at 19:39 |
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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a
field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the
children to the loo, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was
waiting outside the men's loo when one of the boys came out and told her that
none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice,
she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys
up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their
clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he
replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 07/February/2009 at 20:09 |
 excellent Pete. 
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 07/February/2009 at 23:19 |
Wheelie Bin
An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'G'day, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector
'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!'
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Milly_Molly
Senior Member
Joined: 22/April/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 1140
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Posted: 08/February/2009 at 11:41 |
Brilliant Jayjan!
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sneezy
Newbie
Joined: 01/August/2007
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 185
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Posted: 08/February/2009 at 20:05 |
Two
men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says,
'I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland
.'
The
other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The
first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from
Ireland
might you be'?
The
other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I
am..'
The first guy responds, 'So am
I!'
'Sure
and begorra. And what street did you live on in
Dublin
?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area
it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old
central part of town.'
The first guy says,
'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did
I!
And
to what school would you have been going'?
The
other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St.
Mary's, of course.'
The
first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate'?
The
other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims,
'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated
from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About
this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and
orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks
over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's
going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky
asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The
Murphy twins are pissed
again.' | | |
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 08/February/2009 at 21:57 |
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Good one Sneezy, your taking the the piss out of us IRISH again but that's aright we are used to it.
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 08/February/2009 at 22:28 |
Gerry its great you Irish folks always have had a brill sense of humour, unlike other nationalities who wouldnt, say no more. Even though born in England I am proud of my Irish decendants.
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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Posted: 09/February/2009 at 09:59 |
I think the Irish are just more laid back and can take a joke. They don't take political correctness to the limit, unlike here in England where you daren't call a spade a bloody shovel incase you offend it!
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3431
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Posted: 09/February/2009 at 10:25 |
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Read telegraph article about schools being closed due to elf and safety. headmaster must check the shovel user does not strain him/herself and make sure they go indoors to get warm. A host of other things as well that no normal person could supervise alone so would need help from other teachers thus leaving no one to teach resulting in having to close school! PATHETIC.
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donfromdublin
Regular
Joined: 01/March/2007
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 59
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Posted: 09/February/2009 at 12:20 |
 "Gerry its great you Irish folks always have had a brill sense of humour, unlike other nationalities who wouldnt, say no more. Even though born in England I am proud of my Irish decendants."
Sure and begorrah, dat wouldn't be your ancestors you do be proud of?
Heh Heh !
Don
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Avril wanted a joke!