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gerry 
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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 Posted: 09/January/2009 at 11:08 |
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A SHORT LOVE STORY
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A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
The End | | |
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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Posted: 09/January/2009 at 22:12 |
Hee hee, made me chortle!
Heres one I received by text, not very PC but very apt to Britain at the mo:-
The finest crisp white writing paper,
with hand writing using only the very best ink,
lovingly folded and wrapped,
In an immaculate envelope.........................
This is no ordinary P45, this is a M&S P45
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 14/January/2009 at 11:09 |
Men's Consideration for Women
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is costly and not reasonable and I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get, as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely,
Jeff
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 14/January/2009 at 16:57 |
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Wireman
Senior Member
Joined: 17/April/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1263
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Posted: 14/January/2009 at 22:51 |
Gerry
I'm sure there has been a breach of copyright,that has been taken from my autobiography  . While us blokes are beating ourselves up,here's one for the women.
Believe it or not.
Woman has man in it.Mrs has Mr in it.Female has male in it.She has he in it.Madam has Adam in it.No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman,yet men spend all their time trying to go back between the legs of a woman!Why?Because there is no place like home!!
Ever notice how all women's problems start with men?
Mental illness,menstrual cramps,mental breakdown,menopause,GUYnecologist and when they have real trouble its a HISterectomomy!!!
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Regular Visitor
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 14/January/2009 at 23:47 |
Very true Wireman , but never had one of those (the last one), but suffered 3 out of 5 of the others) you men are so lucky lucky lucky especially being born between the legs of a woman .... and so it carries on  . Comon girls, comments appreciated we gotta stick up for ourselves. Give them men some stick.  . Bet the men got bloody earmuffs are in already, are we talking to ourselves as normal.
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Exiledbee2
Senior Member
Joined: 13/April/2008
Location: Portugal
Status: Offline
Points: 595
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:07 |
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Do we have to put up with these rather pathetic old jokes, Admin get a grip and only allow good new jokes, there again get rid.
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:13 |
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Hi Exilebdbum2
Who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:14 |
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER
PEOPLE
If Laura,
Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and
Sarah.
If Mike,
Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the
bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only
for £48.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back.
When the
girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man
will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman
will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has
six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel.
The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not
be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman
has the last word in any argu ment.
Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman
worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman
marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman
will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the
phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man
will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake
up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A
married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:17 |
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exiledbee2 get a life this is a topic unrelated to Albufeira everyday life, if you dont want to look at it, dont click your mouse on it, then your non the wiser. Gerry he or she gets out of the wrong side of the bed every morning. Best ignored. Ha ha Gerry liked the exiledbum2 bit suits him/she down to a "T".
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:56 |
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Well said Jayjan (and goodnight)
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 01:01 |
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Your welcome Gerry and a goodnight to you also.
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administrator
Admin Group
Joined: 01/October/2003
Location: Portugal
Status: Offline
Points: 999
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 09:55 |
 Exiledbee2 wrote:
Do we have to put up with these rather pathetic old jokes, Admin get a grip and only allow good new jokes, there again get rid.
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Sorry but we do not intend to judge which jokes are good ones or not. We only keep an eye on this thread to check if there are no abusive comments or politically incorrect statements.
I agree this section of the forum has got nothing to do with Albufeira/Algarve but, since it is well categorized as users’ chit chat / jokes, we understand visitors will only read and participate if they look for this kind of disparate topics.
If you find a joke is not funny or of bad taste, ignore it or maybe say why you feel that way and perhaps post a "better" one yourself.
Even if we'd prefer regular users would stick more to the main subject, we don't feel like judging and blocking slightly or completely unrelated replies in this segment of the forum. We trust users will restrain themselves from being rude and aggressive to each other.
So many people, so many opinions... [sigh]
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Albufeira.com Admin
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 13:37 |
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I do try to stick to topic, but sometimes after a hard day at work, it's nice to come on here and chat a bit with a few different folks and lighten matters with the odd quip now and again. I've been quite poorly recently and found coming on here helped keep me cheerful. I've also made good friends on here who I see over in Albufeira from time to time which wouldn't have happened without the "chit chat" amongst us, so thank you to admin for allowing us a little leniency.
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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Guests
Guest
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Posted: 15/January/2009 at 15:34 |
yes.....i agree whole-heartedly...even though it is a site regarding Albufeira and surrounding areas it does need a little place where folk can chat-chit-chat and joke amongst themselves about topics which are not associated with Albufeira at all,i dont know what the problem is. we all stick to our topics, i know they lead astray slightly but what forum does,nt. it wont be long before the sour-grapes who come on here perhaps twice a year and complain and end up with us all getting booted off. probably the same folk who complain on here are the same who complain to the BBC over something or nothing. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE.get a grip,get a life ,lighten up. struth its just a forum on a place where lots of people love visiting,living and stuff.
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Avril wanted a joke!
