Avril wanted a joke!

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The Garda Traffic Corps found over 200 dead crows on the M7 near Limerick recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Eagle will never make leader of the Labour Party, she's too below par.

Came home from work, there was a note off the wife on the TV "It's not working, I'm leaving". Plugged it in,switched on perfect picture stupid mare.

Brexit......What a fat Yorkshire lass does when she sits on a wooden bench.

A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...

The barber began to lather his face , while a woman with the biggest,

firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down

and began to shine his shoes. 

The fellow said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some

time in a hotel room."

 

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

 

The fellow said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

 

She said, "You tell him; you're closer"

I have just spent half an hour removing all the German names from my phone - I wanted to make it 'Hans free'.

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.

So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.

"She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.