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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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alan&alice View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/April/2015 at 20:27
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb!"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/April/2015 at 07:48
Text Message

Mary I am just having one more pint with the lads. 
If I am not home in 20 minutes please read this message again. 
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21/April/2015 at 07:58
A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.


This oldGeordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".


The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"


After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied..........


"A LANCASTER BOMBER!"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/May/2015 at 09:38
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The
man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old ****** wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?" 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/May/2015 at 07:31
One day a Barnsley man decided to retire...He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.."

"Amazing," he notes... "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.""Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk..
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, 



"You've made a chip pan?"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/May/2015 at 08:40
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him.

Jokingly, he said, "No thanks. If my wife smells that, she'll think I've
been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go right ahead."

"My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/June/2015 at 16:33
A Sparky dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter.

"We've added up your time sheets."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/July/2015 at 08:05
If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07/July/2015 at 15:13
a man comes home from the pub with a sheep under his arm, he goes upstairs to the bedroom where his wife is waiting he say's " this is the cow I make love to when your not in the mood " she says " your drunk that is not a cow it's a sheep " he says " I was talking to the sheep "   
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/August/2015 at 14:06
Cricket related Wink

Rolf Harris - the only Australian not to get out before lunch.

Cilla Black - what did she achieve that the Australians didn't. She got to 72.
I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/September/2015 at 16:42
A pilot friend of mine loves quoting the old saying "A good landing is one you can walk away from".

Presumably, then, an excellent landing is one after which you can re-use the aircraft?


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/September/2015 at 10:01
NEW SCHOOL YEAR; English lesson, teacher today we are learning words beginning with DE ; DEFENCE,DETAIL,DEDUCT,DEFEAT. class now give me a sentence using all these words. No one can come up with one except the class ruffian "please miss I know "
DEFEAT OF DEDUCK WENT OVER DEFENCE BEFORE DETAIL   
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/September/2015 at 21:15
LOL
Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/September/2015 at 20:08
Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.   

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
 
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'”
I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15/October/2015 at 19:47
A man walks into a crowded bar in Albufeira with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?" - voice in the back shouts "
You don't have enough bullets".....  :-)
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