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tiganut 
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Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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 Posted: 06/November/2014 at 10:04 |
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ACDC = Assassins Caught Drummer Charged.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 06/November/2014 at 10:14 |
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Nigel Farage would like to congratulate Manchester City on their desire and commitment of getting out of Europe.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 13/November/2014 at 10:34 |
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Joe gets bad headaches.
The doctor said,
Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself...
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like to try on a new suit please...'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it'
Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'
'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'
The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,
'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised again,
'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'
'Been in the business 40 years sir.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
Joe laughed,
'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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J2me
Senior Member
Joined: 18/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1582
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Posted: 13/November/2014 at 18:22 |
Aaaagh! 
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 13/November/2014 at 23:22 |
Little
Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love.
One
day they decide that they want to get married so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father
to ask him for her hand.
Bruce
bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I
want to ask you for her hand in marriage.â€
Thinking
that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr.
Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?â€
Without
even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce
replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.â€
Mr.
Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old
enough to get a job.
You’ll
need to support Jenny.â€
Again,
Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance…Jenny makes five bucks a week and I
make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us
just fine.â€
Mr.
Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
“Well
Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more
question.
â€What
will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?â€
Bruce
just shrugs his shoulders and says,
“Well,
we’ve been lucky so far.â€
Mr.
Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 13/November/2014 at 23:23 |
Old
Joke With A Difference Ending!
Last
week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked
if he could say grace.
As
we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,
and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!â€
Along
with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
“That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!â€
Hearing
this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God
mad at me?â€
As
I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He
winked at my grand-son and said,â€I happen to know that God thought that was a
great prayer.â€
“Really?â€
my grand-son asked.
“Cross
my heart,†the man replied.
Then,
in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.â€
Naturally,
I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son
stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of
my life.
He
picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of
the woman.
With
a big smile he told her,
“Here,
this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!â€
Touches
the heart doesn’t it?
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 20/November/2014 at 10:40 |
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The Mysterious Box under Bill and Hillary's Bed......
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
cans and $8,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was
such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a
special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to
know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you
are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not
that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box is filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 07/January/2015 at 10:46 |
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Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's
last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first
house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50..
At the second house they presented
him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed
him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a dumb
blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and
led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,
Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of
steaming coffee,
he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,'
he said, 'but what's the pound for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde,
'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, '**** him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 10/February/2015 at 13:06 |
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens
funeral, a voice from inside screams;
"I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!â€
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking
air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork".
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 23/February/2015 at 21:04 |
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?â€
As
the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on
her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over
there?â€
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet
python weally gives a thit.".
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 30/March/2015 at 10:25 |
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An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 07/April/2015 at 22:31 |
This
muslim guy was bragging the other day saying he had the entire koran on
DVD. Trying to appear interested I asked him to burn a copy for me. That's when it all kicked off....... !!!
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 07/April/2015 at 22:34 |
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting
sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said........ "Nope...You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn"
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 07/April/2015 at 22:35 |
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I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'emergency stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed.
I just did, and the poor bloke on it went flying. :-)
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 10/April/2015 at 20:25 |
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf..
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
sta nding below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the
crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Avril wanted a joke!